I'm Heartless, Not Stupid
by Hevisaurus
Summary: Axel meets a new girl in the park one day. Let's see what fun ensues.
1. Chapter 1

The way she kept staring was slightly discontenting. The fact that even when he locked eyes with her she would keep staring, made it all the more worse. It was official. Axel, Number VIII in Organization XIII, the Flurry of Dancing Flames, was creeped out.

'The hell is she looking at? I'm not THAT interesting.' Axel thought as he glared at the girl sitting a few feet away from him. The members of Organization XIII had been given their first day off in what felt like forever. Axel didn't care when the other members were doing, he was solely concerned on how he and his best friend Roxas were going to spend their free time. 'C'mon, dammit! I want to play some extreme Frisbee!' Axel thought, turning on his bench to look at the park entrance. When he turned back, to his delight, Axel noticed the creepy staring girl had vacated her blanket.

"Ohmaigawd! Hiiiiii!" Only to move next to Axel on his bench. Axel groaned. Why did he always attract the freaks? "You're Axel-chan from those Heart games, right?" The girl eagerly asked.

'Axel-chan?' "My name's Axel. And yeah. I AM from the Kingdom Hearts game series. What's it to you?"

"I totally LOVE those games and YOU were my FAVORITE character!" The girl informed him, bouncing up and down.

"Lucky me." Axel muttered. He had been trying to get used to psychos like these ever since that cursed game series came out. There were the occasional… "special" fans that he wasn't quite used to. Fans like this girl. Ever since they had sold the story of the Wielder of the Keyblade fans like this had been coming out of the woodwork. It was both flattering, and deeply unsettling.

"Do you wanna know my name?" The girl asked, grinning expectantly up at Axel. Sensing she would tell him anyway, Axel just nodded. She giggled. "Great! My name's Serenity Moonchild. I have bright violet eyes, sometimes, they change to emerald green or ruby red. I have shining raven black hair, fully cherry red lips, naturally thick eyelashes, and amazing fashion sense. Right now I have on tight low-rise flare jeans, pink and black checked Vans, and a tight red t-shirt that says "Juicy" in black letters." Serenity finished, still grinning.

Axel paused before answering. 'Is she serious?' "I'm Heartless. Not blind." He finally replied. Oddly enough, Serenity's disturbing grin only got bigger. "What are you grinning at?"

"Hey Axel, who's your friend?" Roxas' voice came from the direction of the entrance.

"Roxas-chan!" Serenity squealed.

"Oh man." Axel muttered, leaning his head back on the bench. If there was a god, he was very cruel.


	2. Chapter 2

-1"No, really, who is she?" Roxas asked as he drew closer to the bench.

Axel finally lifted his head from the back of the bench. "Roxas, this is Serenity Moonchild. Serenity Moonchild, this is-"

"ROXAS-CHAN!" Serenity cut Axel off, jumping off the bench to envelop Roxas in a crushing bear hug. "Ohmaigawd! I LOVE you! You're my absolute SECOND favorite character!" Several birds in the park took flight at the sound of her screeching voice. "Second only to Axel-chan, of course." Serenity turned and winked at Axel, still holding Roxas in a death grip.

"Axel, I think she's crushing my rib cage!" Roxas gasped out, his face turning blue from the force of Serenity's Hug of Doom.

"Okay, that's enough. Hands off the best friend." Axel got off his bench to pry Serenity off Roxas, who took several much needed deep breaths. Serenity looked disappointed.

"Aww…you mean you guys don't have hawt sweaty guy-on-guy sex?" She asked, pouting.

Roxas and Axel stood staring at Serenity in horrified silence. "Nonononononono…" was all Roxas could mutter, traumatized by the images that question conjured in his mind.

"Where in the HELL did you get that idea? Did you play the same game we starred in? Is there some dirty porn version we should be aware of?" Axel asked, enraged.

Serenity shrugged. "The fandom." Axel glared at her. Roxas could only twitch in response

Of course. The fandom. Canon's worst nightmare. Usually in the form of terrible stories written by thirteen year-olds. Who all seemed to be under the impression that Axel was the whore of the Kingdom Hearts series. Little did they know Xemnas was actually the biggest whore in the series. His name doesn't come out to "Mansex" for nothing.

"What do you want, anyway?" Axel asked Serenity. He figured she'd just want a picture of the three of them or some autographs. At worse, she'd want a picture of one of them in their boxers for fanart purposes. Thankfully, fans who wanted THAT were few and far between.

"I wanna come back to The World That Never Was with you guys!" Serenity announced, pointed in the direction she thought it was in.

"What?! NO!" Roxas shouted. An elderly couple walking their dog turned and glared at him.

Serenity pouted, tears forming in her eyes, which were now sapphire blue. "B-bu-but…" She started to whine.

Drowning out the sounds of her pathetic whining, Axel began to think less of the negatives of taking her back, and more of the positives. 'I do need someone to wash my clothes. And replenish my hair gel supply. I know Roxas needs to practice his Menacing Glare on someone. And I've always wanted breakfast in bed. Plus, if she gets too annoying, I can just kill her! Man, this is going to be great!'

"Shut up." Axel cut off Serenity's complaints. "You can come with us on two conditions. One: you cannot under any circumstances add any honorifics to anybody's name EVER. And two: you have to do exactly what I tell you to do." Axel told her, cocking one eyebrow.

"YAY! It's a deal!" Serenity pranced off to gather her things.

"Are you sure about this?" Roxas asked quietly.

"Trust me, this is going to be the best time we've ever had." Axel assured him, grinning devilishly in Serenity's direction.

"Are you going to sleep with her?"

"Ew. No. Just wait. Just wait."

Roxas didn't respond. He was too bust silently wondering why Axel felt the need to say "just wait" twice.

"I'm ready!" Serenity told them, carrying a bag bulging with her stuff.

"Excellent." Axel opened a portal, ushering Serenity in first, then Roxas before going in himself. 'If I'm lucky,' he thought, 'maybe I'll get breakfast in bed BEFORE I kill her!'


	3. Chapter 3

-1"Wooooow…" Serenity stood in open mouthed wonder at the sight of the large castle that dominated the skyline of the World That Never Was. "Do you two live here?" She asked Axel and Roxas, pointing at the aforementioned castle.

"Yeah." Axel responded shortly. "Let's go. I've got a bunch of stuff I want you to do. Want to watch Roxas?"

Roxas looked from Serenity's slightly insane eyes to Axel's completely insane eyes. "No. I think I'll um…take a nap! Yeah, I'm going to take a nap!" He slowly backed up the ramp that lead to the Castle That Never Was, before turning and running into it's dark depths.

"It's okay, Axie-poo. We don't need Roxas. We can have all SORTS of fun with just the two of us." Serenity whispered, trailing her hand up and down Axel's chest.

Axel shoved her hand away from him. "'Axie-poo'? I told you once, my name's AXEL. That's A-X-E-L."

"Got it memorized? I LOVE that line!" Serenity clapped her hands together.

"Bitch, don't steal my catchphrase! Even Roxas isn't allowed to say it." Axel warned her. "And what kind of 'fun' are you talking about? Unless you think washing my clothes is fun."

"What? I never said I'd wash your clothes!"

"You did agree to do whatever I told you to, right?" Serenity nodded glumly. "Well, I'm telling you to wash my clothes. If you don't want to, I can always open up a portal and send you back. Though I can't guarantee just WHERE that portal will take you…" Axel smirked.

Serenity sighed. "Fine. I'll wash your clothes." She suddenly perked up. "Ohmaigawd! This means I get to TOUCH your clothes! That's ALMOST as good as touching YOU!" Serenity exclaimed.

"Riiiight. Let's go." Axel said, before leading the way into the castle. Together, they walked past door marked I through VII

"Who lives in these rooms?" Serenity asked. Axel resisted the almost overpowering desire to set her on fire then and there.

"Other members of the Organization."

"Right. Those other guys." Serenity said dismissively.

After what seemed like hours of walking to Serenity (but what had really been less than fifteen minutes), they reached the door marked VIII. "Alright. We're here." Axel unceremoniously announced.

"Really? I was expecting something more…grand." Serenity said, staring at the otherwise unmarked door.

Axel looked from the door to Serenity. "Why?"

"Because you're my favorite, silly!" Serenity opened her arms wide, attempting to gather Axel into a crushing hug.

He stepped away from the overeager girl. "Don't touch me." Axel told her, glaring at Serenity while opening his door.

Serenity eagerly looked inside the room. Much to her disappointment, the room was basically bare. A bed was the only feature on the left side of the room. In the center of the back wall was a large arched window overlooking Kingdom Hearts. The right wall was dominated by a black dresser, next to another door leading to a mysterious destination. Axel crossed the room to the door, opened it, and pointed Serenity inside. Looking in, she saw a veritable mountain of clothes.

"I don't like doing laundry." Axel said, shrugging. "I hope you do Because you have to wash all of this. By hand."

Serenity, who had been dreamily staring up at Axel, suddenly snapped out of her daydream. "What?! By hand?!"

"Marluxia left a bunch of flowers in his cloak last time he washed his clothes. We haven't gotten around to getting the washing machine fixed. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have very important things to do. With that said, Axel grabbed a book off the top of the dresser, flopped down on his bed, and began to read, leaving Serenity alone in her task. 

Alone, except for Roxas, who was busy in his room practicing his Menacing Glare on his reflection.


	4. Chapter 4

-1Throughout the course of the day, Axel had made Serenity buy him more hair gel, let Roxas glare at her, and forced her to sing and dance for him. Surprisingly, Serenity was very happy to sing and dance for Axel. She spent five minutes before she started going on about how her voice was "the most beautiful in the world" and how she was a "world champion dancer."

Axel did not, in fact, agree. He thought her voice resembled a cacophony of nails on a chalkboard. And when she began to dance, Axel seriously thought she was having a seizure. When Axel told her those facts, Serenity's eyes flashed red and her face turned pink in a mixture of shock and anger.

"You're so mean to me, you big poop!" Serenity shouted in outrage. "You're lucky I find you incredibly sexy!" She stormed over to Axel's window and stood with her arms crossed staring out at Kingdom Hearts.

Axel stared at Serenity in contempt for a few seconds. "Yeah. Whatever. Anyway, tomorrow I want breakfast in bed delivered to me at EXACTLY nine o'clock."

"After all I've done for you, shouldn't you be serving ME breakfast?" Serenity demanded.

"I'll be glad to serve your ass to Siberia."

Serenity stood silently for a couple of minutes. She was busily trying to figure out where Siberia was. After her silent contemplation, Serenity decided that she really didn't care to know where Siberia was. "Fine," she sighed, "what do you want for breakfast?"

"Waffles, covered in syrup. Two eggs, sunny side up. Extra crunchy hash browns. One bagel, cream cheese on the side. One large glass of ice cold orange juice. And one small glass of chocolate milk." Axel finished with a nod.

Serenity stared at him. Are you really going to eat all that food?"

"Yes. Now shut up. I'm going to bed." Axel clapped his hands and the room was shrouded in darkness. He settled back into his pillows, prepared for a night probably filled with dreams of the game of extreme Frisbee he was unable to play. Just as he was about to drift off, Axel felt someone snuggling next to him. "Roxas, I keep telling you, I am NOT going to read Goldilocks and the Three Bears  to you. Go ask Demyx. He ordered.

"I'm not Roxas…" Serenity whispered, moving her fingers slowly down Axel's chest.

"What the hell?!" Axel shoved her off his bed and clapped his hands. The lights blazed of, revealing Axel's enraged face and Serenity's more confused than normal face. "You sleep in the other room." Axel pointed to the room that had once held his mountain of dirty clothes.

Serenity's eyes turned dark blue and filled with tears, her lower lip trembled. But, off she went into Axel's other room. Once she had the door closed, Serenity burst into tears, occasionally asking herself, "why doesn't he love me?' before resuming her sobbing.

'This, I can live with.' Axel thought before drifting off to sleep.

The next morning Serenity hurried into Axel's room at exactly nine o'clock carry a tray heavily laden with food. "Breakfast is served." She giggled. Axel laid his book aside as Serenity placed the tray on his bed.

Axel stared from the tray to Serenity and back. "Are you deaf? Stupid perhaps? This is certainly not what I told you to make."

"What's wrong with it?"

"I wanted waffles. You gave me French toast. These eggs are scrambled, not sunny side up. I have never met anyone who eats mashed potatoes for breakfast. This, is not a bagel. This is a bran muffin. The plate they are on say 'for Luxord ONLY,' so that should have been a clue. Water and chocolate mild are not the same thing. Well, at least I still have my orange juice." Axel took a big drink of the aforementioned beverage and promptly spit it back out. "This is warm! Not ice cold!" Axel got out of his bed. "The orange juice is the last straw! You have outlived your usefulness." Axel summoned his chakram.

Serenity, who had finally realized the danger she was in, backed away from Axel. "Oh yeah. Well…you have no heart!" She said.

"I'm Heartless, not stupid." Axel replied. "Flaming death!" Axel incinerated Serenity with one blast, leaving behind nothing but a pile of ashes. Axel shrugged, went to the still opened door, and yelled, "Roxas, come here for a second!"

Roxas came to the door a few seconds later. "What?"

"I'll give you two hundred Munny to clean that up for me." Axel pointed at the smoldering pile of ashes.

Roxas sighed. "Already?" Axel grinned at him. "Fine. But I want the Munny now."

Axel nodded and began counting out the two hundred. "Maybe the next one will get the order right."

"Yeah right." Roxas muttered as he pocketed the Munny.

At that same moment, in the same park Axel met Serenity, Demyx was taking nap. A nap that he was startled out of by a cry of "Ohmaigawd! Hiiiiii! Let's hope this one gets the breakfast order right…

End


End file.
